The C.O. - A Psychological Study

Winter 1915-1916

Oliver Wendell Holmes, in one of his charming books, writes that there are two psychometers by which to gauge the value of a minister of religion; the black broadcloth forming the knees of his pantaloons, and the patch of carpet before his mirror. If the former is well-worn, then he is a man to pray for you, but if the latter is threadbare then he is a man that you should pray for! I am a discoverer of a psychometer which infallibly indicates the mental attitude, benevolent or otherwise, of our C.O., and I will briefly relate the history of my discovery.

After many months of daily toil, seven days a week, in the Wards, and after enduring the sympathetic comments of the Sisters of my wards as to my rapidly emaciating appearance, during which time it had been necessary to make several fresh holes in my Sam Browne, I came to the conclusion that a week-end in the country might restore my drooping and unsoldierlike form. I therefore repaired to the C.O.'s room, and after the dutiful knock at the door, in response to the laconic "Come" I entered, endeavouring to control my agitation. I saluted in my best form, and found the C.O. seated with his cap lying by him on the table. I proffered my request in halting terms, and meekly drew his attention to my retracted abdomen and the condition of my belt. To my consternation a severe look of surprise and reprobation spread over his mobile countenance, so with a muttered remark that I was badly wanted in the wards I was making for the door when a sudden gust of wind from the open casement caused the C.O. to assume his cap.

Now for the psychological discovery! While turning the door-handle the C.O.'s voice arrested me, and wheeling round I found that his cap was on with a good list to port. The expression on his face had undergone a complete change, and with a genial smile he informed me that I certainly ought to have the desired leave, and that he had long noticed my emaciated condition. In tremulous accents I thanked him and withdrew. Since then I have made a profound study of the C.O., both capless and capped. If capless I never venture to proffer a personal request. If the cap is squarely set upon the head I talk only of hospital matters, but if there is a list to either port or starboard, then I know that a request for leave will almost certainly be granted. As the result of my tireless researches and observations, I am convinced that a list of the cap to port is a more favourable sign than a list to starboard. By the former I obtained a week-end; by the latter I got one day! I am living in hopes that at some time in the distant future I may get a whole week's leave, but alas! will the necessary list to port allow of the cap remaining on?

A.P.L.

[A quick flip through the book shows that this medical officer was Major A. P. Luff]